The TP Lament
C. March 20,2020
Mark Stanton Welch
Key C

C                                             F                           C
I don’t need no beer or wine I don’t need no spuds
C                                                     D7                              G
Don’t want no handshakes and I sure don’t want your hugs
C                          C7              F                     Am
One thing I am seeking it’s now my primal care
             C              G7              F G       C
Lord I can’t find toilet paper      anywhere

I’m home here with my family the kids are barred from school
Cities are in lock down social distance is the rule
Now all this I can tolerate but one thing’s got me down
I can’t find no toilet paper anywhere in this town

 C7            F                     G                        C            C7
 I’ll give dollars  I’ll give donuts  I’ll give anything I have
             F                      G                    C                           C7
 For a sheet or two of TP  Lord I’m angry, scared, and sad
     F                     G                    C                    Am
 I used to go to Costco I’d put 20 rolls in the bag
                  F                    G                         F         G            C
 Now I’m digging in my closet lookin for newspaper and rags

I don’t mind that virus I don’t mind the scare
In America we’re survivors but I’m runnin out of underwear
I’ve never felt so desperate for one little soft Charmin square
Lord, I need some inspiration can’t find TP anywhere

               Am                                     F                        C                     
  I could fast or just drink water or use each paper twice
               Am                                                             D                       G                     
  I could clean up with the garden hose, now I’d have to do that outside
              Am                                                                     F                      C
  I could do just what my poodle does, you know the butt on carpet scoot
  F             G                                     F              G        C
  I’ll find a way I know do what a human has got to do

 I’ll give dollars  I’ll give donuts  I’ll give anything I have
 For a sheet or two of TP  Lord I’m angry, scared, and sad
 I used to go to Costco I’d put 20 rolls in the cart
 Now I’m hopin this urge I’m feelin   is nothing but a
 C            G7                  C           G7
 Far too long it’s been goin’ on far too long…crazy…this is crazy

We need some ingenuity…fast!

C’mon Georgia Pacific…ramp up production…we got a crisis

What about some new alternative?

Maybe something solar, or wind powered, water based, …what do aliens use?

Hey you, Millennials…invent the next big thing

How about using all the hot air comin out of politicians?

Hey, could somebody give me a hand?!

This is a world issue…there’s no tissue     miss ya Charmin

This is a world issue…there’s no tissue     miss ya Scott Ultra Soft

This is a world issue…there’s no tissue     miss ya Kirkland signature

This is a world issue…there’s no tissue     miss ya Quilted Northern Ultra Plush

This is a world issue…there’s no tissue     miss ya Angel Soft

This is a world issue…there’s no tissue     miss ya Soft n’ Gentle

This is a world issue…there’s no tissue     miss ya Green Forest…
Far too long it’s been goin’ on far too long…

Man, this is just the sh.....